I'm hoping this will be my last update on this depressing ass subject. Thank you if you've reached out to me, I wouldn't be doing this well without the support of others. I honestly mean that. After writing about my experience I had a lot of people reach out to me to tell me about their own miscarriages. It happens to a lot of women.
I finally miscarried on Monday morning. It took my body almost 5 weeks to finally let go after the twins stopped developing. I'm kind of glad it took so long. I had a lot of time to process my feelings and I can say that when the time did come, I was in full control of my emotions and I had already come to terms with what was happening. I think if it happened a lot sooner, before I was able to come to terms with it, it could have been a very emotionally painful experience for me.
When I knew I was going to miscarry I spent most of my time reading message board posts from other women, trying to get an idea of what I might experience. What I've learned is that every woman's story is their own and experiences widely differ. I'm about to talk about some TMI things, so please skip the rest of this paragraph if you're uncomfortable. I'm only sharing because having an idea of what to expect from the other women who bravely shared their experience really helped me get through this, and I'd like to lend some info to others who might need it. I've read that many women were fully unprepared for the physical aspect of their miscarriage. Many doctors don't tell women what to expect. They tell you you're miscarrying and send you on your way without information, just like my doctor did. It was up to me to do research and I'm glad I did. A lot of women have had some horrible experiences, and I was so lucky. Since I had read about a wide variety of experiences, I prepared myself for the worst and waited. And waited, and waited, and waited. Many women have reported that their miscarriages felt like labor, that they'd bleed through nighttime pads within an hour. I came across post after post about needing to pack an overnight bag for the hospital just in case you bled too much and needed an immediate blood transfusion. Since I was miscarrying twins, I thought I might be headed down that road. I didn't. I am very, very lucky. My miscarriage began at 5am on Monday morning. I had been experiencing slight cramping for about a week and that morning the cramps began to worsen and I started spotting lightly. The pain was worse than any period cramps I've had before, but nothing unbearable. At their worst, they were happening about 2 minutes apart. I was also experiencing lower back pain which is also very common. I wore a pad and paced around but the cramps lessened when I was sitting down so I chose to switch between sitting in the shower and sitting on the toilet. Around 6:30am I started passing clots, most came out when I would cough (I knew this cough stuck around for a reason) but other times I'd push them out. I was bleeding a lot, but nowhere near what I expected. I passed one large clot that was definitely a sac, it was round, about the size of my palm. It was clear like wet tissue paper on the outside with dark coloring on the inside. I knew it was one of them, so I was almost in the clear. By 7am I had passed a few more, another clot I suspected was the second (one twin stopped developing before the other so it wouldn't have been shaped like the other one). By 7:30am I had passed almost everything, I only passed one more clot around 2pm which I now know was the last of it. Throughout the miscarriage I didn't even bleed through a quarter of the overnight pad I was wearing which I did not expect. I think being prepared for the worst really made this whole experience feel much better when it was all said and done. I am still bleeding slightly, usually only when I wipe and not much shows up on any pads. I had a OBGYN appointment to confirm that all the tissue was out. My doctor first did a pelvic exam, but she didn't believe it was all out so she gave me a pregnancy test. The pregnancy test still showed up positive, so she then did an ultrasound. Luckily the ultrasound showed no leftover tissue, which can lead to infection so I am very grateful for that. I've been told I may continue to have light bleeding for up to 2 weeks, but many articles I've read online have said the bleeding usually lasts about 7 days. Since the pregnancy test is still showing up positive, I have to go back to the OBGYN weekly to get my blood tested until my levels go back down to zero. I was told that usually happens when the bleeding stops, so fingers crossed it's all done and back to normal by my appointment next Friday.
If you've experienced a miscarriage you're usually told to refrain from having sex for 2 weeks after it happens, and you usually ovulate around this time. Your period normally returns anywhere from 4-8 weeks after (my doctor said 6-8 weeks, but it varies online) and you're allowed to start trying to conceive again after your first period after the miscarriage. I don't know if we'll try again, we'll likely just let whatever happen happen like we did this time around. I know emotionally I'd be okay being pregnant again, but if I were to experience another miscarriage it may do a lot of damage to my mental health. This was a very hard experience and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
Emotionally I'm doing pretty well. Honestly, I was kind of expecting something like this. I felt like my life was going too well. I have an amazing husband who absolutely loves me and wouldn't ever hurt me. We are financially doing well, he makes good money and I am lucky enough to not have to work at a traditional job. We have a big beautiful house. We've been able to travel many times. I know this is a horrible mindset, but anxiety does that to you. So I wasn't too shocked when something didn't go our way, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I do have moments where I can't help but think "why us?" I try not to get in that mindset because there is no point. It won't change what happened. When I was pregnant, before the miscarriage was detected, I did a lot of research on products to buy. What sucks now is that every ad I get on social media is for babies. All of my suggested posts are pregnancy announcements. We would've been announcing our pregnancy next week. It hurts a little. I also know about 700 pregnant women, or women who have given birth within the past few months. Don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed for them. I love seeing people happy, and I know they deserve it. But the "why me" still forces itself in. I don't want anyone who is pregnant or has young children to feel uncomfortable around me. I'm okay, and I'm more than happy for you. I want to see your cute little baby. Things like this just happen and there's no changing it. Hopefully Luke and I will get to experience it one day too.
As for now, I plan on getting as much done around the house as I can in these next few months. I don't want to worry about getting pregnant without realizing it and be working with paint or other harsh chemicals that are dangerous to pregnant women. I still have a few rooms to paint and wallpaper to remove. We're replacing the floor in our laundry room so we can finally get a washer and dryer. There's a lot that will keep me busy, and I'm excited that I'm finally feeling motivated to get out of bed again.
I'm wishing with all my might that the rest of 2018 is better than 2017.